2015: The year of seeking the great perhaps

It is one of those rare early mornings when I find myself on the window seat in the corner of a nearby coffee shop, counting on the ambiance and this venti cup to fuel the right side of my brain as I type away. It's 8 in the morning and my car is the only vehicle in sight out front. Judge me not, I haven't even showered. When you get that impulse to write and you need a cup of coffee in a well-lit shop that plays bossa nova in the background, there shouldn't be any time to spare. Though I spent a good half hour observing and taking in the quiet surroundings before I finally conditioned myself to start writing this yearly cap off. 2015 was such an interesting year. It deserves more than just a pat on the back.

An officemate gave me this notebook as a Christmas gift because it reminded him of me being the adventure-crazy ambivert in the group. It's just so timely now that I'm writing this as these words appropriately limn the year that has passed.

I learned new things, visited new places and found interesting new hobbies this year.

I started doing calligraphy and though I haven't mastered consistency in my up and down strokes, I found the decent outcome of my attempts incredibly therapeutic. I've spent a lot of sleepless nights with brush pens and fountain pens but more than learning calligraphy, my greatest milestone this 2015 was learning how to cook! And I'm not talking about hotdogs and scrambled eggs, I actually took the time to learn making dishes from lutong bahay to gourmet. With utmost pride, I ticked all the boxes from last year's New Year's Resolution. Well, except for one- you know how everyone vows to lose weight at the start of the year but gain more towards the end?

On the heavier side of things, from being such a pessimist masked as a realist in the past few years, I could honestly say that it was in 2015 that I discovered a lot of things that molded me into this ray of sunshine. This year I turned 23. And while they say maturity doesn't always come with age, it did with me. Since lola got sick and my parents apparently couldn't handle simultaneously taking care of our business and our home, I had to step up as the eldest and be the mom of the house. And for the first time in all three years of being a college graduate, I lasted a full year at work, which means that I got to pay my own bills, fund my own life insurance and open a stock trading account. Thanks to meeting Bro. Bo last May, I was inspired to be responsible (by a certain degree) of my finances. I also have him to thank for the optimism about love and faith that I found in myself subsequent to discovering The Feast. After all the meaningful sessions, I was blessed with a better appreciation of life, of always choosing to see the good in people, of always choosing to be good to myself and to others.

It was also in this year that I was able to develop strong bonds not only with family, but people I've recently met. More than earning, they are the reason why I lasted more than a year at work; knowing full well that an INFJ like me finds little sense in working in the corporate world. It's not just the money, but the plethora of experiences I'm missing by being confined in an office building five days a week. This is one thing that hasn't changed, I'm still leaning towards bigger things in life in my early twenties. But thanks to these guys, life in the office was made more bearable. Trust me when I say, I have never been this clingy in my life. I think in 2015, I found three additional future bridesmaids.

And since we just happened to come from the same university, we're also UAAP buddies.

White Christmas 2015

And with the new bonds I built I also had to cut ties and burn bridges. I'm not proud of the things I've done and the people I had to hurt. Nobody told me how difficult it would be to make a decision when you find your happiness and an old love both standing on the edge of a cliff and you can only save one. I made a selfish decision I will always be guilty of but will never regret. It takes me a lot of courage to write this down but well, I guess there's no use trying to make a mystery out of an open book. 

This year really gave me one hell of a plot twist. It was this: Last summer, during an outing we had with 15 others, I grew close to a certain person. And in some platonic way, I fell in love. I'm not sure if it happened by the shore as we were walking under the moonlight or down the freezing waterfalls when I slipped and he caught my hand or when he placed his hand on the side of my head to let me sleep on his shoulder as my neck was killing me on that 6 hour trip back home. But that was it. No more than sharing bottles of beer and stories with friends around a bonfire; no more than unwarranted spark waiting to be ignited. I had to forget I ever felt anything when we came back home. You don't get to keep all the feelings you catch- not if it's going to hurt other people, not if you stand by not being that kind of girl.

Only I knew that I was staying with an old love for comfort and familiarity, and I thought it was right to hope that it could be saved knowing a relationship so one-sided could never last. It was only after things ended between us that I realized these two things: (1) I loved but was not in love and in any angle you view it from, I was at fault for keeping it going. (2) I have always been in love

But with the person who has been sitting literally right in front of me every single day for over a year. With the person who felt what I felt last summer. Neither of us told a single soul for half a year, lied to each other about how we felt, cloaked what we had as close friendship, called each other brothers. I could not possibly break someone's trust so I ignored everything. But he waited. I admire him for respecting and waiting, but here we are anyway. And it's funny how sappy it is but as he told me, it's as if God wrote our love story straight out of a cheesy movie.

It's hard to forgive yourself when you try your hardest to do the right thing and yet you fail. How do you rekindle a dying flame when there is nothing left but a little faith? It will always be my fault that I chose to walk away. But when you get a shot at true love and happiness and find someone on the exact same wavelength as yours, no matter how much you try to fight it or keep it at bay, the universe will find a way to shove it  in your face. Not everyone will understand but you can't let others decide if you know it's different and it makes you genuinely happy. Tell me how do you win against fate?

I've built these walls around me since I had my first heartbreak three years ago. In 2015, they were shattered. And I stopped trying to fight the ghosts of my past because for once in my life I felt sure of how I feel. And no matter the outcome, it will always be worth it.

2015 was an extension of 2014 which I called "the year of firsts". But then I realized, every year is.

So 2016, let's go make some memorable firsts.