Visits to Room 121

I was rushed to Makati Med almost two months ago due to an anxiety attack that sprung out of nowhere. And almost two months after there I was, sitting outside the doctor's office in the same hospital. Dr. Rondain shares a clinic with a pediatrician and general surgeon, so the waiting area is swarmed, with people probably awaiting consultation for aesthetic surgery or open heart surgery, but mostly with babies and toddlers which will uplift your mood if you are fond of kids. Much to my entertainment as my anxiety grows. As usual, I need to shift my mind to something else before I start hyperventilating again. Dr. Rondain is a Psychiatrist. Well no, I'm not suicidal, schizo or anything bad enough to get thrown into an asylum. Just a little impaired.

I didn't have this before. I had mild attacks that made it difficult to breathe, but not knowing back then I actually thought I had asthma, sans wheezing and other symptoms. The time I was rushed to the ER was the most severe and scariest attack I had in my life. I couldn't breathe, like someone was sitting on my chest, I was hyperventilating, my upper and lower extremities have gone numb, my mouth was very dry, my body felt unreal and I felt like I was gonna pass out. I couldn't walk but I just have to emphasize the part where I couldn't breathe because that was how I freaked out in the first place. We were in a movie house so imagine the shame I went through inhaling and exhaling through a brown bag, exasperated as I was pushed around on a wheel chair. Other patients say it feels like a heart attack, except it isn't fatal if you don't have heart problems. I had an ECG and x-ray test and both confirmed that my heart and lungs are working well so they concluded it was an anxiety attack.

I was hoping it was just a one time thing but the doctor didn't tell me that one severe attack could lead to another and another and another if it turns out to be a disorder. It was puzzling because I am contented with my life. I have no problems with my family, my lover, my studies, my life in general. I get enough exercise. I have friends. I go out. If I were stressed, it was only so mild you wouldn't even label it as stress. I don't normally let things get into me. But most times when I stay at home I become so depressed to the point of crying, I don't even know why. On the other hand, when I go out I start to worry about having another anxiety attack because it happens more often now. I hyperventilate, get confused and seemingly out of control. It gets triggered by the trauma of the last and it happens at the most ungodly of times like when I'm all alone and far from help. It can occur either in the middle of a stressful situation or just randomly. I can't even go back to the movie house anymore without having palpitations and choking on my own breath. I always have to distract myself by counting backwards from 100 by 3s, 4s, 6s until it goes away. If I can't shift my mind and dwell on it, I instantly get a panic attack, become breathless and seemingly paralyzed. It upsets me how much it affects my daily life because there are many things I can no longer do without being so agitated. Oftentimes I'm with a crowd, yet I feel socially detached like I'm inside a bubble. I also feel so exhausted all the time. I really don't know where it's all coming from. I go against what I feel because I've always had a strong personality and what I'm going through makes me feel weak. They say a lot of young adults go through this, but I have a relatively great life so it's difficult to tell why.

I went to Dr. Rondain and was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety. But she told me herself that it's not self-inflicted, rather hereditary. My dad, my uncle, and my cousin all from my father's side have anxiety disorders. Mine is inherited and strangely severe. Sometimes I would have an attack and feel like I'm going crazy. Thankfully though, people with anxiety disorders don't go crazy. Mentally challenged people can't separate reality from delusion while people with anxiety are too attached to reality. The feeling of going crazy in my case is caused by a chemical imbalance so the fact that I know I'm losing control is just a symptom of a panic attack. Since I exercise a lot and go out all the time, natural therapy isn't doing enough. I need aid from prescription drugs to really get better, which I really hate because I always want the natural way of recovery, but natural mind and body conditioning can only do so much if your mind and body are against themselves. I believe this will go away though, with exercise, venting out, prescription, consultation with my doctor, and of course praying to The One Above and hopefully soon no more out of the blue panic attacks. I'm just really thankful I have a supportive family and boyfriend behind me while I go through this. At the end of the day, I'm still truly blessed.

This is a reminder that no matter how strong you think you are, you will always have a weakness. It may be developed or a bad case of inherited genes. But maybe one day I will write about this again, how I surpassed this stage in my life.