July is my second favorite month next to December since it means Ced and I's anniversary and my birthday are just around the corner. But maybe July deflects that ray of sunshine in a way since I am getting older and I feel like I'm falling behind my accomplishment calendar. It's no longer the way it was when I was fourteen and too excited to become a full-blown lady. So before I turn twenty-two in about 13 hours, I'd have to devolve my thought balloons to bullet points of all the lessons, mistakes and whatnots that transpired in the year that I was twenty-one.
- There is a lot of pressure in infiltrating the twenties club unarmed. I thought my diploma was my key to the real world having graduated from a university with a reputable name. It helped, of course. But at this point it's no longer graduation I look forward to. I accomplish something and afterwards keep asking myself "What now?" It's a game of endless hurdles and I feel like I always need to catch up to those far ahead. Some people I grew up with have come a long way like one friend of mine who finished her masters degree in London and is now CEO of her own business. She appears on magazines and is getting more famous than she ever was in college - all at the age of twenty-two. We used to study together and I always looked up to her. I knew she'd come a long way at a young age. But most of us are not that lucky. A lot of people I went to class with some time years ago are getting married and having children, which I have nothing against but personally find too early. It only reveals that things don't happen to us at the same time. Not everyone gets to save up his first million in three years, not everyone you know will get married at 25. There is no one you need to chase. But it will always be difficult getting used to being a young adult. Because at the beginning even when you get love and money, you'll still be seeking for that one thing that will patch you up whole - Purpose.
- You're not as weak as you think you are, but sometimes you're also not as strong as you think you are. A year ago I would have never thought I'd be that girl who would turn to antidepressants and bromazepam, sedatives to calm her body down when the mind can't hold itself together. It may be hereditary but what triggered its outburst? It all began when I started to outgrow all the things I thought were fun. If grad school has taught me one motivational thing it's that there's always room to get brighter. I grew even more organized and by lightyears more mature. I started wanting to make smart opinions that matter and I've become more driven, critical, and I don't know how in the world -- but I began to take life seriously. It sounds like a great thing right? But it actually jeopardizes everything if you think about a future you can't build because your lack of sense of direction intervenes. I end up overthinking it, making me depressed about how life has become so difficult. It's like success is a project, and the deadline is near and I still don't know how and where to begin.
- I can never love a job entirely. When I was working, I was labeled at work as the "Unstoppable Queen", not because I was a workaholic but because I was always the bravest one to go out of the office early - not to go home and rest, but because although I need a job to give justice to my degree and to feel self-sufficient, there are other things in life outside work. I needed to go out with my friends, I needed to exercise, I needed to have fun. I never go all the way with work like some. I always seek a healthy work-life balance because you can't fully love an organization that wrings your knowledge and hard work for profit. At the end of the day, it's business as usual. I refuse to rob myself of the joys of life.
- I learned that "the one" doesn't magically appear and you look at him for the first time and it's as if the cosmic forces pulled you together. Scenario for instance: You bump into each other while both turning a corner at the end of the street and he has that sparkle in his eyes as an indicator that he's the one. That's how it happens in chick flicks. But nope, finding the one takes work. You meet people you don't instantly like, sometimes you get a crush at first sight, but please spare me if you tell me that you saw someone walk past you and instantly knew he or she was the one. You may end up together but you get to know each other better and make progress. Sometimes you do sometimes you don't. That's how love works. It's having someone who chooses you every single day even if there are others out in the open who may as well be compatible. Some people remain single until they die and I don't believe that it's because they weren't meant to have someone. I'm happy that right now I have the most understanding partner in the world who's willing to hold my hand in this dance of growing together. Of embracing a mature relationship that is more future-oriented than merely a mushy and jealous one. There is beauty in not marrying your first love, you know. Because then you'll find out that you can love differently. You can have a chance to look back, flash a sheepish smile, shake your head and give yourself a well-deserved facepalm remembering the person you were when you were with someone else. It lets you know how far you've grown.
- I learned to keep my faith intact. I didn't grow up having a very religious family. My parents taught me how to pray and to always follow what I think God would see fit, but they didn't encourage me to join church groups. My mom was in the choir when she was my age but she never urged me to do the same. We go to church, but not every Sunday. I had to go the extra mile to keep that faith alive. I always believed in the power of prayer. I attended CLP several times (thanks to Ced), and when I feel helpless I turn to God and I would feel lighter. But another lesson learned, and this time from my favorite senator, Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago, it's not ideal to expect that God will always give you what you desire. Prayer does not change God's mind, it changes yours.
Tomorrow is the beginning of another chapter. And I'm finally ready to be 22.
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