I condone myself with the thought that everybody goes through this phase. I am wishing for my brain to have an actual lateral file to organize my thoughts and feelings because I can't get anything straight these days. I have so many feelings I wish I could describe but I can't. Is it part of being a hormonal female being or having too much estrogen? Or do I have the twisted mind of a writer that explores so many forbidden spaces?
1) I get confused about what I really want to do for a living. As family influence, I am bound to become a businesswoman. I inherited the pride of becoming one as my father had it implanted in my brain that you should work for nobody but yourself. Yes, because of my dad whenever I walk into any corporate office I can't help but think "Look at all these people, exhausting their bodies and brains to make other people rich." I pretty much conclude that the amount of soul they put into their work can't possibly equal the salary they receive. I've been there before and I've met such intellectual and dedicated people losing time for their respective families to work long hours of overtime and only get so much in return. Do they live in a mansion? Can they afford sports cars, a weekly visit to the golf club, or a trip to London anytime they want like the ones sitting on top? No. At least not all at the same time. But they pour all their energy into making someone else capable of all that. I understand that some don't have the skill to be the one calling the shots, running an entire business, but most of them are more capable than they think. This is my way of thinking and yet I am hunting for another job in the corporate world, doing the same thing. It is the highest form of irony since my dad and I argue a lot about my pursuit. I reason out that I am young and currently in my exploration stage, but he strongly opposes my being an employee claiming one couldn't make "actual money" by being one. I want to be a businesswoman in the future but I'm taking a lot of time thinking about what I want to put up. I try to pattern my ideas with things I love to do but if my father were to finance it, he wouldn't approve of any. I tried, but he does not foresee anything feasible. He is all into business loans and putting up an agency, things I don't find interesting for my own business. The trouble with business-minded fathers? Most of them would rather see you profitable than passionate. So honestly, I'm pursuing my applications but I am confused.
2) I think I'm going through a quarterlife crisis. It's hard being in your early 20s. It's a constant battle between keeping your inner child and growing up. People expect you to be an adult but it's confusing. One hand fully capable, but the other has a firm grip on your younger self. I can attend long meetings or go to a seminar and put my game face on but at some point I start fidgeting and realize I have the attention span of a fish. I'm even having a hard time making my own decisions and often say "I need a lesson on making better life decisions." I think even my parents are also confused whether to treat me as a grown-up who can work independently for herself or a teenager who needs to be lectured when she goes home past midnight almost everyday.
3) I don't know why I question love so much like there's a certain standard that defines it. It's not something the internet could define and your feelings should match for it to be labeled as love. When I was with my first boyfriend, we didn't really get into a long period of courtship. I was afraid it wouldn't last a year because I might have acted on impulse. For the first few months I was too expressive, but at times I would think that I might have made the wrong decision. There were days when I felt like "Maybe I don't love him all that much, I'm not even sure if this is gonna work." I was negative for the most part and the feeling lasted for days that it frightened me that it might not go away. I was really confused. It would go on a few times in a few months but after a year and a half it came by less until I felt it no more. What was once a love full of doubts blossomed into something else. It was the type of love that consumes you and you feel that the person's bound to be there for an eternity. So when it was taken away from me after four long years, I wept every night for two months. It's confusing. From not being sure of what there is to being so obsessed with it. And who's to say it won't happen again? I found the man I have always wanted months after but I'm scared how it's gonna turn out this time. Am I feeling the confusing highs and lows again? I'm scared of the outcome. Will I be consumed by my feelings once more? Or am I be slightly traumatized that I am only loving practically instead of unconditionally? Why can't it all be simple for once? No comparisons, no comprehensive analysis of emotions, no measurement of depth because it's just really confusing. This one I don't want to end.
4) It's been weeks of feeling generally unhappy. I don't understand how someone with no major life problem feel so miserable. I try not to think about it but it's always there. I go to malls and watch basketball at the arena, extremely loud places that I expect would cheer me up but it's like going to a crowded place and still feeling solitary. I. Just. Want. This. Feeling. To. Go. Away.
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