I came to this abrupt realization that the past decade of my life had been too intense. My way of living has always been so aggressive - including my choice of hobbies.
Some details about my lifestyle...
I've been doing martial arts for over ten years and being in practice for that long makes me feel like I could be easily differentiated as one of the boys. Have you seen my bare upper arms and shoulder blades? I'm not proud of it but at least I can take "You hit like a girl" as a compliment. Regardless, I try to hide my broad shoulders and man arms because I dress like any other girl who wallows in her love for pretty clothes. But behind this veneer of pastel color-loving femininity is a girl who doesn't act like one. Not to mention I'm bad at making friends with other girls because I'm not very perky and expressive in person unless a.) you make the first move of being sisterly touchy feely on me b.) we've known each other for years and somehow became close because of your inquisitive nature. or c.) you also happen to be a girl who likes race cars, guns and/or sports, but in a weird split personality way you collect pretty pens and stickers. Moreover, I would eat whatever the hell I want and conquer the world with indifference. But things change, and maybe this is the universe telling me that I'm not as strong as I portray myself. Or my hormonal body telling me to act like my gender and drop the Robin Scherbatsky is my spirit animal catchphrase. What else do you say when you're an only girl who was raised by your father to do boy activities?
But once a girl who thought she couldn't care less became so wound up in her world of dysfunctions. All in my early twenties I've been plagued with quarterlife crisis, anxiety and depression. I felt the need to understand what I was going through so I went to the therapist, tried to discover the roots of my anxiety (which turned out to be mostly hereditary) and gradually changed my lifestyle. I went under meds for a month, cut down what's already occasional drinking of alcohol, caffeine, and just to match that sort of lifestyle, I also had to steer clear of oily food. I had to cheat at times but it's bad enough that I had to say goodbye to my daily visits to Potato Corner for Giga fries.
There's also another thing. I decided to try something new in my effort to release all this bad aura.
*drum roll*
I enrolled in Yoga class.
It's funny because when this Yoga craze came out years back I thought it was ridiculous. "Like what do you do there anyway? Do silly poses while breathing in and out looking absurd?" Clearly, I wasn't mature enough to know what it's really for. Years later here I am battling anxiety and doing Yoga classes. That's a slap in the face for my past self. Yoga was actually suggested by my dad (the same guy who taught me how to hold and load a gun and break someone's balls now realized I could use Yoga in my life). I more than welcomed the idea because anyway as I age, I've noticed more friends posting Yoga-related photos on instagram. I thought maybe this calming activity ought to be tried by every struggling twenty-something year old. So I messaged my former boss who's some kind of a Yoga master (he can do a head stand on a floating surf board, I kid you not) since I remember he divulged this secret behind looking so fresh despite his stressful task of being a manager in the banking industry when I was still in MCC a.k.a. the days that I didn't care at all about Yoga. I heeded his advice and he referred me to this Yoga studio where I tried out an FNR class. It's practically Yoga for beginners and it only took one class to realize how badly disoriented my mind was. I was so relieved (and tired) after my first class. I didn't expect that breaktime could be as short as "two breaths", but I'm elated by how rejuvenated I was right after. An hour of shutting out the world, realizing my body's capabilities and focusing on my breaths. Surreal.
Urban Ashram is a real big shift from my parents' martial arts gym. Opposites in fact. Imagine a prissy girl's bedroom and a normal teenage boy's bedroom. From the odor that welcomes you when you open the door to how things are arranged in the closet. Those are the two rooms I have to go in and out of. I still do Muay Thai/Boxing because no matter how intense it is, it's a love I can never let go of. It has always been my favorite cardio work out and reliable outlet. Quite an irony that I'm doing both yoga and martial arts but I also do swimming and running when time permits and I'm still in one piece.
They say that in difficult times, you need to find your happy place. For me it's many places. It can be home, it can be my boyfriend's arms, favorite restaurants and of course - wherever I exercise. Lucky to have all within arm's reach.
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