I was taught to always go after what I want-- and before it simply felt like a stroll in the park. But as I grew older, reality started to slap me like a bitch. But maybe it's because the universe thinks I'm prepared to take the blow. But sometimes I'm not, and it hurts more when you least expect it.
I'm trying to assess what really happened with my career choices. It's either I have lost what's left of my sense of direction or I really wanted this back then but it's taken its toll on me. I didn't quite understand others before - the way they want something so much and just abandon it when they get tired of its beauty, or maybe they know how much they want it, yet at some point it gets unhealthy that they're no longer willing to pay the price anymore.
But now I finally understand.
Someone's seemingly irrelevant story made me realize something about myself. Recently, a friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend of two years. Simply because it got boring. The guy was too uptight, reserved, well-mannered - all the things you piece together to make up a "good" man. She was just trouble waiting to happen. Smoker, drinker, not at all refined. And while he didn't talk much, she was a loot bag of interesting stories and surprising humor. Given the obvious differences that bisects their relationship, she's got this man wrapped around her finger, yet she felt restrained. According to her, she was stuck in a relationship where she couldn't be herself and found herself searching for something that wasn't there. Of course, plot twist. She met someone perpetually adventurous. The type who would ring her past midnight to take her out on a roadtrip out of town asking her out as if it was a dare. It was stupid of her but I guess she was running for the thrill of it.
At first I thought what she did was just dumb and cruel -- leaving something good for something unsure. But as she was telling us more about this, I understood her. Then I understood the people who once left me. You can never really blame someone for wanting something or someone new. We all get tired of something which once meant the world to us, more so if it wasn't even half of it. It needs to be confronted at some point that what you were accustomed to may no longer be good for you anymore.
And to assess myself in terms of love and career, I never initiated a break-up nor can I say that I got tired of being with someone. Let's put it like this-- maybe chasing after a guy who ripped me to shreds says more a lot about me than it did about him. I know my tendency to hold my grip onto a person knows no bounds, no matter how excruciating the situation may be. But that's just how I am, was, rather. I may be a damaged woman but I still believe in long-lasting relationships, and in fact I am happily in one right now. Sadly in my career, I feel like I'm the biggest cheater I know. I easily become estranged from it all. I get confused all the time as to whether I just get burned out by work faster than an average person, or I'm just a fish out of water, dwelling in an inhabitable place. I don't wanna be a job whore anymore. I just wish to find where I truly belong.
Of course, I have everything planned. From getting a business-related corporate job to graduate school to short courses in preparation for building my dream business. But no one could attest that the beginning is always the hardest. Hence, this bittersweet feeling in my core for (officially) breaking up with my job, because a month ago I gave my boss a heads up and the "cool off" between my work and I began, in which I believe I only prolonged the agony. It may seem like the end, but it's a good kind of end. The kind of end where something beautiful begins. I can stay because of the friends I made but how far will that take me? It's just time to move on.
When you're in your early 20s, you start to realize that you're not getting any younger and once you find out what you want, you have to start working on it. So today I had my interview with the Decision Sciences department as the last step for my graduate school application. It was not a lengthy conversation but somehow everything seemed aligned. My former professor ended our talk with this,
"So I guess... Welcome back to La Salle."
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You have to start working on it, I told myself.
And work on it, I shall.
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