To my seventeen year old self

Dear Maye,

You are only turning eighteen. I know that you're really excited but I wish I could tell you that you are growing up too fast. Right now you are in a state of bliss finally having shifted to what they say is the core college of DLSU. You are living the dream of your parents pursuing business in a prestigious university. I know they are proud of you. It's ecstatic, I've been there. You must be up at 3am right now making love to your worksheets and calculator, confused with the love-hate relationship between you and your accounting homework. You are struggling, but you're in the right place and you're aware of it. It's just the beginning and I could assure you that you'll be complaining a lot about your workload. There will be times when you just want to get it over with so you can finally get a job, saying that at least when you're working you will get paid for your hard work. I know it's tough. Finance is no piece of cake but you're doing a good job getting by. You are where you ought to be and you should know I'm proud of you too. Two years from where you are, you will fail your thesis because your thesismates will slack off and you will be too meek to do something about it. I hate to say that your graduation will be postponed and you'll be crying like you lost your sanity in a study hall, but I'm telling you now it's not the greatest failure you will have in life. It's not the worst heartache you'll get. And when you feel like giving up at the moment I wish I, your future self could tell you that you are already having the time of your life. Your only worries are getting a passing grade for accounting and acing the rest of your subjects. Socially, the biggest of your problems is that your parents are too strict for sleepovers. I guess that is one thing you won't miss when you get here, but at least you don't have to worry about bills to pay and being unhappy about where you are. Four years from your time, you will have a job you don't love. I mean it's okay but on most days it's not. You will know what it feels like to be in some place you don't belong and it's going to be a pain in the arse. I must warn you about the days you'll be reprimanded and yelled at, your pride beaten and bruised purple and in no time you will find yourself in the comfort room with tears wriggling in your eyes. You will mistake them for weakness, but acknowledge that you are stronger than most people you know.

Maye, I know you're very much in love right now. I wish I could hold your hand and tell you, you shouldn't be this boy-crazy because he's not the guy for you. After a few years you'll hear that from your own father after your boyfriend rips your heart in pieces. You will be at your lightest possible weight, questioning your existence, wondering why your world had to revolve around one person for almost half a decade of your life. But you will grow from it, and you will open your doors again. If you are reading this, young as you are, you wouldn't agree with me. You have your whole being nailed to the idea of marrying him. You think about your wedding dress, where you will live, how many kids you'll have but it's all gonna go down the drain, love. He's not the one. Four years from your time, you'll be with a different man and you'll love him differently. You might not think it's possible but you would trust him. Yes, you will still be a control freak but your trust issues will all be wiped out. Now that is a feeling you can never have from where you are and who you're with at the moment.

After two years, your best friend will fly to the states for her internship. She'll have her own set of heartaches and it's sad but you'll have to comfort each other while you're apart. She won't talk to you for a while but you must understand it will be too painful for her to share this at first, but another two years from then, she'll send you a photo of herself with a man down on one knee, her hand in his, about to put on an engagement ring. She's wearing lovely boots but not lovelier than the smile on her face. You've never seen her so happy. She's getting married Maye, but not with the guy you're having double dates with at seventeen. You will be close to tears hearing this good news. It might seem surreal to you now, but you will be organizing her wedding. Right now, I'm inquiring about wedding packages and a nice venue for their reception. Only for her because as planned, you're not gonna get married at 21 and yes, no baby yet.

I wish you knew how to loosen up. You could have been less uptight but looking back and writing this to you right now I couldn't think of regrets. I only wish you appreciated your life more because you haven't experienced the real world yet. And trust me, it's not going to be pretty. It's a world of mayhem and opportunities, you're gonna have a lot on your plate and more emotions to handle. Being in this difficult phase of young adulthood, I just want to be you again, even just for a little while.