The other morning I was on my way to my fourth training as a Financial Advisor. It was the training I had to retake since I missed two days of it when lola passed away and I asked for a break to recuperate. I remember I hated the first day since we were asked to do a lot of role playing activities. My introvert side showed dominance that I was so socially and emotionally drained when the day ended. I figured there are still some parts of this job that I don't like. Somehow it was something I have accepted. There is just no perfect job. As I was walking towards the green glass building feeling down the dumps, I was beginning to question the drastic career decision I made. The separation anxiety came rushing in out of nowhere. Though my previous job was something I found difficult to love, I miss the comfort and familiarity of my former office. I miss the environment. I miss my friends.
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed that day realizing I was going through quarter-life crisis. Again. Or maybe it never really went away. It started in 2014, went low-key, then came waltzing back in just as I'm dealing with many changes in life. I started this year with someone new, my lola passed away, and on top of everything I left my carousel HR job for a roller coaster sales job. It wasn't a spur-of-the-moment decision. It took months of contemplation before I took this bold risk. But honestly, being a Financial Advisor is as good as being an on-call consultant. It's something you can do part-time. After the series of sales and financial planning trainings, I don't really know what to do next. I'm going to keep my sales job on the side but what else do I do for a stable income? Being a FA in the insurance industry is a dangerous field. It pays well if you're hardworking, a good presentor, and the stars work in your favor but you never know where your next paycheck will come from. You don't always get to close deals. So what else can I do? I always wanted to put up my own business apart from the family business. Do I even have enough money for business that is not funded by my parents? Do I go back to HR? I don't know if I still could. I don't know if I can force myself to love something I've grown weary of. I mapped out all my long-term goals that I forgot about the short-term and I am filled with frustration to the brim. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing.
I pigeonholed myself to the idea that life has a standard pace. I keep being pressured by my surroundings. I open Facebook everyday and unfold new stories. Instead of the site doing its noble purpose of helping people share experiences or simply to kill time while browsing random things, it turned as a conduit for self-actualization (not pertaining to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs). Although I am happy for those who are winning life in their mid twenties, I can't help but feel down about my own pace. The pressure that surrounds me when I see my high school batchmates with a good career and/or getting married and having children, the second-hand jealousy I feel when I see friends who can afford to travel once a month, the fear that gets passed on when I find out couples who were together for more than five years have broken up. It makes me think that if I can't keep my own going until we get married, then I just wasted my early twenties. Relationships have gotten more frightening because I'm still here trying to get it all together with only less than three years on my timeline left before I reach my desired marrying age.
But as I pray to God to give me peace of mind, I begin to believe that things will eventually fall into place. My life is not as bad as I think it is. I try to think that love is a commitment. And for all I know, we made a decision to stay together under all circumstances. That should be good enough for now. As compared to years back, I am more financially comfortable and can afford to travel from time to time. As for my career, I am applying for a full-time job to sustain my earnings and to fund my future business, and as for my choice of getting into sales, I try to go back to the two main reasons I joined this industry (1) to earn variable income (2) moral obligation of advocating financial literacy. Just the other day I was able to score my first business that instantly landed me on the number 1 spot of our team's top producers. A surge of relief washed over me when I saw the congratulatory photo my unit manager posted on Facebook. But the secret? The person who put me on that wall was my dad. I can always remember that I have parents who will do everything to support my aspirations. That same day, Ram called to ask me out on a quick coffee date. Perk of having a Psych grad boyfriend: free consultation. We were friends long enough for him to assess all my skills, the things I do best and all possible career options. (That and because our first meeting was at a job interview years back where he was my interviewer.) The cherry on top of the sundae was the sincere look in his eyes when he told me everything is going to be alright as he squeezed my hand and kissed my forehead. When the going gets tough, remember to talk to the people who will always have your back no matter what.
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P.S. I know a lot are also going through the same thing. Please leave a comment as I would love to read your stories. (You are not alone!)
And I'll leave you this.
I know you're sad. I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day. Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet. It will get better. Until then, just have a day.
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