In 2015

I was never really the optimistic type. I'm not sure if it's pessimism or reality per se that's keeping me from being the ray of sunshine that I have always wanted to be, but how people make false promises on New Year's always made me cringe. Somehow now I understand better though. Generally, we feel that new calendars, new planners, the Earth finishing another lap around the sun entitle us to starting with a clean slate. Having gone through a lot this 2014, I think it's about time I write something to make up for all the years I refused to have a New Year's Resolution. Let this post be my 2015 Handbook.

To be more independent, or at least work my way there. 2014 was the year I really experienced what it was like to be an adult. It was very difficult having to step into a world I had no choice but to enter. Being a sheltered girl all my life it was tough having to pay my own bills, save for my own clothes, shoes, and bags (sometimes), and truly understand the value of money. In the middle of the year I had to leave my job for graduate school. It must have been one of the toughest decisions I made in my life as it cost me my primary, if not only source of income. I thought being a full time student again would be easier, but since I studied business, not law or medicine, I would admit I had a lot of spare time and I was running short of cash. Because of my low-paying job back then, I hardly saved enough to pay my own tuition. So I went back under my parents' financial provision, all-expense paid including allowance. It would have been a dream for someone else but it didn't work out for me. I had to go on leave from graduate school after a trimester to find a job because at twenty-two, it was hard for me to watch my parents hand me everything as if I'll never be old enough to provide for myself. I felt guilty. Now I've got a temporary job that provides well, even if it's sucking the life out of me. But being independent will be a real challenge in my case. Since my father is a business-minded man, no sooner will he drag me with his own hands away from the corporate world and into the family business. But I guess, even if it comes down to that, I would make sure I deserve whatever I earn. Afterall, to run a business was  the only career I ever wanted in life.

To be bolder and unafraid. 2014, just like every year, was a year of firsts. It was the year that I had my first out of Luzon travel with Ced, our first Valentine's, first anniversary, the first time I was ever thrown a surprise party, and the many other firsts that will surely go down the books. But 2014 also brought me hearthache when I discovered the reason behind my random episodes of depression and panic attacks. My first severe anxiety attack that brought me to the ER of Makati Med because I couldn't breathe and most of my body felt paralyzed called for a trip to a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Specifically my condition is called Panic Disorder which means I have no way of knowing when it's going to occur or what triggers the attacks. My brain all of a sudden tricks my body into thinking that I'm in danger so my body reacts similar to how I would if my life was really at risk. The fear of not knowing when it will happen made me want to avoid a lot of places that I used to enjoy. From being the girl who wouldn't go frantic if she were on the 21st floor of a building during an earthquake, I became that person who fears getting final destination-style killed at a mall's food court. It's crazy.I grew scared of many things upon knowing my condition. I no longer want to be left alone for hours when outside and away from help, I'm scared to travel let alone be in a remote area, I now have a bad jittery feeling when riding a plane -- things I really used to enjoy. In 2014, my sense of adventure almost rested in peace. But I haven't lost the fighter in me so for what it's worth, I still fought my fears all year knowing that I have no greater enemy than myself, I should not let it stop me from appreciating life and the places I haven't seen. Aside from prescription and exercise, I I'm still holding onto my will to fight it and the faith that keeps me going. And I want to claim that 2015 would be the year that I get better. 

To be physically fit. In my case this is probably easier to achieve than emotional or mental fitness. I think I share this resolution with everyone else and this is the number one reason why I'm incredulous about other people's resolutions. I know a lot who jog one time in January as the first run for fitness and get so tired that they go back to eating fast food everyday, not even bothering to do stretches in the morning. I would admit I like to eat a lot, and eating at different restaurants like connoisseurs make up 70% of Ced and I's relationship but I always badger him to exercise. One of the things I love about my upbringing is that I was taught to exercise as a way of life. I just have to take it to the next level.

To be domesticated. Although my ideal marrying age (much to my parents' disappointment) is no lower than 25, I really need to learn how to cook and clean like I was born to be a mother. It has always been a dream for me to achieve more than just pasta, fritters, and baked pastries. I love my mother who's been such a great DIY woman, but the reason why I want to learn to cook like a pro is because my mom can't and it was horrible as a kid. Whenever left with a lazy yaya and lola wasn't around, we were always starving and asking for take out. I don't want my future husband and children to go through that. (If you ever read this, sorry mom. I do appreciate you trying by feeding us burnt hotdogs and viscous soup. Haha.)

To appreciate what I do. My job is something I resorted to because I don't have the resources to start doing what I really want in life. But I hope, that I start the year by throwing as much enthusiasm  for my job into the equation instead of loathing. I will try to enjoy what I'm doing and be good at it, know that I am where I am right now for a certain purpose.

To strengthen my faith. 2014 was a year of battles, most of which were within me, and I would be lying if I say my faith and relationship with my religion did not waver all throughout. There were times that I questioned why things were happening and why God would put us where we are.  In 2014, we lost a member of our family. My lolo passed away in May and with his terminal sickness, I knew what was coming. So I prayed to God not to extend his life if it will only bring him more pain, I prayed that He would follow His plan, and for us to have the strength to carry on and understand that life is something we borrow. Lolo lived with us for over ten years when he came home from Saudi. He was a cool and goofy grandpa that's why it will always be hard not to miss him. Perhaps that's how it is, losing someone we love makes us question life.  I know people I hold close with unfaltering beliefs but I also met some who went through things tragic enough to forget about their faith. This year, I hope I strengthen mine instead of looking for an explanation for questions even philosophy can't find answers to. 

It's okay not to know all the answers.

It was a good run, 2014. Bring it on, 2015.