Goodbyes

I was never really good at saying goodbye. I get troubled by separation anxiety as soon as I get detached from a person who has claimed a special spot in my life. It's always so emotionally disturbing up to the point that it gets actually crippling as if every goodbye is a new cut over a dry scar - whether it be a close friend migrating, a breakup or death. But whichever the hardest is, it's debatable. I remember when I read P.S. I Love You, Holly's husband died while Patricia (her mom) was left by her husband. They were arguing over something that somehow stumbled to the grief they felt about being alone. 

"My husband died. He was taken. He didn't wanna go. He didn't wanna leave." 

"And it's so much easier being abandoned by choice is it?" 

I guess there are different kinds of abandonment but perhaps the pain felt by each person is immeasurable. We never really know which hurts more because it's always a different kind of pain. I don't know how much pain my lolo felt when he fought for his last breath because when I saw him lying on that bed, lifeless, I saw tears in his eyes. I even hesitated to call the insurance guys hoping that he was still alive somehow. He wasn't, but he was still warm while we cried over his dead body. I don't know how to describe the knot in my chest upon knowing he was gone. We were all on the first stage of grief - denial. They say when you're about to die, your life flashes before your eyes. And upon seeing my family in that pitch black moment, I felt like parts of what my lolo saw channeled to each of us. He used to send me jewelries from when he was an OFW in Saudi, and in return when he couldn't work anymore and decided to come home, I bought him his favorite collared shirts for Christmas. He used to drive me to school from the time I still had my hair in pigtails until I graduated from high school, and time came I was the one who drove him to see the doctor because the optometrist advised him not to drive anymore. How does one get used to it? I still picture myself waking up and going downstairs, seeing him in front of the TV patiently waiting for a UFC match. I still expect to see him walk around the house as we exchange stories in loud voices because he couldn't hear me, and he would still be the first person I would look for when something's broken because he was our great handyman lolo. 

It will be very difficult not having him around. But perhaps there is no easy way to say goodbye.

We love you, lolo. We will miss you

We already do.

R.I.P.