Huis Clos

I remember back in college, I took up World Literature as a minor subject. It easily became one of my favorite courses with my growing attachment for art and literature. We discussed a plethora of dumbfounding masterpieces but looking back, what strikes me the most was a 1944 existentialist French play by Jean Paul Sartre entitled Huis Clos which means No Exit. It didn't really make much sense to me back then. It was an unconventional story about three deceased people locked up in a Second Empire room. From what I understood it could either be situated in hell or it was the kind of hell chosen for them. It was too fancy for something you would normally picture hell to look like. There were no fiery pits or instruments of torture like red hot pincers or satanic forks, except for a handy paper cutter which could even be functional. The room was normal. It had one door that was locked from outside. Any of them can only do so much to yank it open, but there's no way out. Thinking about it in the present, it would probably feel like some kind of reality TV show, but the catch would be that you're stuck in that room for all eternity with people you can never be in the same room with. They tried to stab each other with the sole weapon they have in constant disagreement, but no matter how deep the wound was, they're already dead. It will only be an afterlife-time of agony. So Garcin (one of the three) was right when it dawned on him

"Hell is other people."

It was the perfect depiction.

And it suddenly occurred to me that my misery feels like Huis Clos. Humans do get to have a slice of hell on Earth. I believe God has His plans to get us out of that pit with our faith and His guidance, but you can't deny this world has so many evil places. And if you know me well, my own version of that room is my workplace. I never hated anyone with so much conviction. In college, I thought I hated our thesis adviser for delaying my graduation but immediately understood the reason behind. She was a good mentor and whatever she did contributed to my self-growth. So I didn't hate her, I hated failing and I hated delaying my graduation. About a year ago, I thought I hated the guy who broke my heart but I only did for a moment. I easily forgive people. I didn't hate him, I hated being alone after 4 years because I forgot how it is to be alone and I hated the feeling of brokenness and depression. But throughout your life you'll meet at least one person whose personality you will despise. His every move will make you want to hurt him so bad and you'll find his every word offensive. Just the sight of him makes your insides quiver and once he reprimands you, you struggle to fight the tears. You know you're not being unreasonable for everyone shares the same sentiment but with a lower intensity than that of yours. But he has power over you and it pains you to bring yourself back to that room every single day when you already know what you want in life and you clearly made a bad choice of being there. It feels like I'm locked indoors with someone who repeatedly stabs me emotionally and mentally, not to mention the kind of work I used to love has morphed into something that tires me to the extent that I have given up on it but it keeps on chasing me back. I used to lose track of time as it flies really fast, but now I mark my calendar with X's as if I was in a cellar, marking the days I have survived as a prisoner. 

It really feels like Huis Clos. But of course, I'm alive. I'm on Earth. There is an exit.

I didn't have a clear vision of what my future self would be a year after graduation. But if I had, it wouldn't be this. I made a wrong turn as I always do. I take detours I'm not supposed to just to make sure that other options would suck, and in turn I delay my trip towards my destination and regret it afterwards. I have come to realize that no amount of money or Francis Kong motivational seminars can suffice if you abhor what you are doing. But I condone myself by still thinking that I needed to make these mistakes to get rid of all doubts about where I'm headed. At least now, I know for sure.

Just a few more groans and tears and sweat and sleepless nights and I'll be walking out that door with my chin up. I stand by my faith and I will walk towards my goal.