As I knock down yet another final exam (with certainties of failure), I mentally do the moonwalk back and forth then dance like a monkey -- things I wish I had the guts to shamelessly perform in public. Tomorrow would be another day, and last to freedom. The forthcoming of Christmas makes my spirit so enlightened that I wish my professors feel the same and enlighten our grades just about the same amount. It is after all, the time of giving.
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I sit here in the library waiting for something to happen. My friends are quietly taking their exams now, definitely not at peace as I imagine them anxious about figuring out the answers like finding long lost treasures. X marks that spot. I watch people here and I can see clearly, the diversity. I watch them study, distract the ones who study, fret over the noise of those distracting their studying friends ending up distracting the entire study room, watch videos on YouTube in their laptops... watch me blogging about them. I see really cheerful people, underneath those chic designer clothes, thick eyeglasses, frowns marking incomprehension while highlighting their study guides. This is Filipino-university-culture. Our youth is our treasure, and no mater how stressed I am, I find myself savoring the perks and privileges of being a student. Sometimes not just a student, a De La Salle University student. It's definitely not the swagger because studying here does not make anyone "sosyal" contrary to popular belief and overrated stereotypes. I still find myself a commoner, a daughter of a middle class businessman who works hard to send her eldest daughter to a university as prestigious as this (only to fail heaps of units, heck). I have always been studious and grade conscious up to incredible heights, but then I got here and realized I wasn't that smart. People would not hold their tongues saying people here are only filthy rich, little do they know people here are intelligent... I should know. This is not an amusement park where you buy your entrance ticket to get in, not unless you blatantly failed and asked for a limited-slot reconsideration. That's when money butts in. But for me being here is great, it's about free stuff, and not waiting long lines for free stuff because most people here don't need free stuff. And to be honest? It's a pretty steep road trying to keep up with this culture. It took me about two years, and then I got used to it. I was once living in the common grounds, then I felt like I was becoming one of them too. Though in depth, I'm still the same, like every other person here trying to live a fallacy.
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As I sit here so randomly disoriented, and while I think of pop-up things, I also ponder on nationality... and racism. I passed by this book about it, and I read... nah I didn't read it. Like it or not, we really are all racists. I have my own take on things and sometimes reading and being too receptive at the same time make me lose my wits. I don't think Filipinos are monkey-men or peabrains like what they tactlessly blurt out, not just because I am one. We just lack discipline that's all. Everyone here's too cheerful and carefree, everyone goes 'my country, my rules', so I'll jaywalk, beat the red light, steal. It got me thinking, the countries on top are those who use coercion as a form of discipline. Must we really have to get hurt, before we learn?
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