"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt." - The Fault in Our Stars
"There are other people who have it a lot worse." "And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have." - The Perks of Being a Wallflower
All my feels. Now I know the reason behind my highlighting lines from the books I read, specifically these last two. If you ask someone really dear to me about who I am as a person, he/she will probably say "She's the most straightforward person I've ever met when she's in the middle of an emotional catastrophe." And I would probably respond with an applause. But during these past few weeks right when I have been feeling so down, I could not help but be vague about how things are going. Somehow, the situation has climbed up to a height that words find unreachable. But today, I woke up and realized I should break the silence. (In no relation to the said phenomenon that is December 21st)
During my college days I had friends, but I spent an awful lot of time alone as a shiftee. It was never a problem to me so I did not ever associate being alone to loneliness. I did not know what real sadness felt like since I can only go as far as having bad days or PMS, but never lingering misery. Graduation felt like an accomplishment but after receiving my diploma, my mind was bugging me with an annoying... "What now?" Find a job, yes. -- But I've already written about that and how it was not, and still not easy. Even with the title given to me, I felt like a useless couch potato with all the idle time in my hands. So, I gave my happiness a figure. A someone. Someone I've held on to for almost four years of my life. I guess when you get detached from everything else except for one thing, you wrap yourself around that... And when that sole thing detaches itself, it sucks the life out of you. I don't want to speak in riddles so I'll have to say that is exactly what happened. I was clueless on how to handle the situation so depression kicked in, and it was very, very real. I felt alone, I felt like I had nothing left. During the early years I thought about heartbreak and emotional turmoil and how weak older people were for not coping well. Little did I know we are every bit human, and we can say the worst about how other people deal with pain but we will never. ever. know how it feels until we get there.
With the fact that I was embracing self-pity, I knew I was headed for trouble. I felt like a mess. No job, no career, no money. I have friends but they were all busy with law school, masters, and their corporate positions. Among us I'm the only fresh grad and things are taking a while longer to move forward for me. Nevertheless, I did not smear my appreciation for what I have. I was left behind but I did not find it enough reason to mope. I was still thankful to the One above for the gift of everyday. But let me tell you something about life... It gets worse.
I did not expect us to fall apart. We were an inseparable two and we were different. We used to be so different. What's mysterious is that things happen for no apparent reason, and just like that, feelings change. I was given preamble so I had braced myself for what's to come, but another thing I learned is that you can never be ready. Not for something like this. I held on even if I was feeling like he's not the same. It almost felt like a role play, a vicious cycle of what's being done over the past years, except this time it's devoid of sparks and what's left of his affection. It tore me apart how I got to see what "so near yet so far" meant before my very eyes. It went on and on. It hurts when I see him. It hurts when I don't. I can't even bear to look at him and think of "what used to be". So when he decided this had to come to an end, I had to let go too. It was overly dramatic, most especially for me. I was not the type of person who would succumb to her emotions, but as my (guidance counselor) cousin told me, it's all part of being human. We feel things we are not accustomed to which may come as a surprise to us but we certainly can't feel bad about it. We have to absorb it. For days I couldn't help the tears streaming from my eyes but it actually got better as they did. I was surprised to see so many people care that it made telling the story over and over easier and less tiring. If it had not happened, I'd still be oblivious to the people who have always been there for me. My parents who have been so neutral about everything instantly knew what to say. I never thought they could talk so much sense into me but they did. They were so patient. Everyone was. Because everyone saw us as the "perfect couple". Yet another life lesson that happens to be a line from a song-- Even the best fall down sometimes.
I was only sixteen back when we got together, so I do not know exactly where the twenty-year old me is going to start. I am young for all I know, but that's the case, I still need directions. This is my solitary time and after all that's happened I choose to be happy with myself, with what I can do.
Sometimes, what we see as an end is actually just a pause. So, as I've always said... We never know.
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